Quaker Peace &
Service
55 Self stands in the way
One afternoon before reaching teen-age, I
did battle with my mother. There was something about school that
I thought she did not understand from my viewpoint. I stormed out
of the house angry.
There was a friendly nature park in the
lot behind our house. After a half-hour walk in the park, I
returned completely calmed and ready to drop my case. My mother
had been regrouping in a different way. She met me with a barrage
of arguments proving the error of my perspective. That reception
did not help me to feel good about swallowing pride and coming
around to her viewpoint. Nevertheless, I succeeded in keeping my
calm and enjoying the reward of harmony. By giving up the
argument, I won the better outcome.
Fortunately, I had stayed out of the
house until I was quite resolved to make peace. With
little hesitation, I said “Mom, that’s what I already worked
out.” That parry warded off the expected “I told you so.” By
acknowledging having been shortsighted, I obtained a very welcome
relief from any further argument. It did not take very much
self-control to reach friendly reconciliation. Our unity had far
greater value than winning.
Do adults learn this lesson? When there
are
discomforts, is our goal winning an argument or
improving an outcome? If I cannot persuade you that my
approach is better, do I help your approach achieve the result?
Do I make sure you get the credit? Success requires no less. The “if” clause
allows that sometimes my choice is accepted. The second clause
provides the alternative path to the goal. Do politicians
understand that? Public service is for outcomes, not glory.
In life the question is not winning or
losing a contest of wills. Are we smart enough to get the job
done
together? It is not “my will or your will.” Reasonable
accommodation and realignment lead to monumental successes when
we get our selves out of the way of progress. With a
little practice it becomes easy to deny self and have joy in
sharing. People to whom we have given credit are disposed
favorably toward us in future collaborations.
My primary job qualification is that a
team on which I serve will be more productive than it would be
without me. My contribution is not being the star; it is the
positive tenor of the collaboration. The antonym of that is a
company’s nightmare, the “toxic employee.” A company that rewards
the “most productive” member of the team is killing morale by
pitting against each other the very people who must support each
other.
Authorities agree. Citing Jesus:
Mark 8:35 For if you want to save your own life, you will lose
it; but if you lose your life for me and for the gospel, you will
save it. (GNT) Citing Zig Ziglar: “You can get everything in life
you want if you will just help enough other people get what they
want.”
Political example:
Article 28 quotes Lao-Tzu. He is similarly quoted
A leader is best when people barely know he
exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say:
we did it ourselves.” The function of leadership is not to
strengthen authority but is rather to facilitate achievement by
the population as a whole—not the person, but the
result.
Business example:
Competition can become an instance of wrong thinking. The Ziglar
quote teaches business to focus on results. Negative competition
is a fight over who delivers those results. The long view does
not remember which contractor built Town Hall. History notes that
Town Hall was built. It is about the result, not the
person.
Engineering example: Early cars were
steered with a tiller. That principle has been totally replaced
by the steering wheel. Practicality took over; the inventors of
tillers yielded to a change in the accepted way to steer a car.
Competition can test which principles work best. When there is a
clear best way, only extreme folly tries to keep the alternative
methods “competitive.” In the software industry I have read, ”You
can’t patent that any more than you could patent the steering
wheel.” World progress is not to be arrested to enhance someone’s
selfish gain.
This article is the easy harmony
story. Friday’s article will do the heavy lifting, applying the
simple truth to complex life situations.
Being For Others Blog copyright © 2020 Kent Busse
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